A Story of Loss: A Letter to Myself / La Mirada Birth Photographer
I wanted to write everything down about what happened to me recently. I experienced a miscarriage for the first time and I felt like I should know what to expect, especially being in the birthing community. Yet, I don't think the specifics are talked about enough and so I found myself searching google to see what to expect and what was "normal".
I hope that what I share can help someone else who might be going through or has gone through the loss of an unborn child.
It was Wednesday evening, I just finished having dinner with my family when I felt a slight gush. I went to the bathroom and found some blood on my underwear but not super bright and not a ton. I put on a pad, went to bed and my husband and I prayed. I woke up the next morning and didn't really see much more blood except for when I wiped after going to the bathroom but even then, it was just a little.
That day (Thursday) I took myself with my almost 5 year old, to the local pregnancy clinic to see if they could check on the baby with an ultrasound. I hadn't had one and was not planning on getting one until the 20 week anatomical scan. They were amazing at the clinic and did an ultrasound (after all the paperwork I had to fill out). The nurse practitioner on staff came and spoke to me after my ultrasound and told me that they found the egg sack empty and measuring smaller than what I should be. I was a day away from being 11 weeks. She recommended I head to the emergency room for them to confirm as their equipment is more high tech and can see more details than what they have at the clinic.
She offered to pray for me which I gladly accepted with uncontrollable tears.
At the emergency room they did an external and internal ultrasound as well as blood tests. By the time I had my urinalysis I was bleeding more like a period. The results were the same, the sack measured 7 weeks and no baby was found.
This is where I went home and thought, “How come it took my body so long to figure this out!?!" I had been queasy this whole time.
That is such a false assurance that if you're not feeling good then, “that means baby is doing good!” I found out, this just isn’t always the case.
Thursday felt like such. A. Long. Day.
Friday, I don't really remember Friday. I don't think there was much going on. I took my son to baseball practice in the evening and got gas in my car... Felt kind of numb.
I did find out that once the baby is no longer viable or living, that it is typical for our bodies to not do anything different for 3-4 weeks. When I added it up, I was right on track. It was almost 4 weeks later. And also, there no longer being a baby inside the sack is called Blight Ovum that I'm linking if you wanted to know more information about that.
I gave my body a bit more grace.
Saturday morning came, we had a function in the morning for our high schoolers. I hadn't cried that morning... until the very end when a friend came over and tears kept falling. She prayed for me and hugged me.
That afternoon a friend dropped off a meal, I felt tired so I laid down to take a nap. When I got up, around dinner time, I used the bathroom and had quite a bit of bleeding and even some clots. That was different. I had dinner with my family and then went to use the bathroom again and more clots. I text a friend who is an obgyn nurse. She asked me a few questions and also asked if I was dizzy, which I was not, yet.
After I came out of the bathroom I was talking to Robert and telling him that I could feel myself bleeding. It wasn't stopping. I remember telling him, “I don't want a D & C, but I would rather have that than a blood transfusion." He prayed and while he was praying I started feeling dizzy so I laid on the floor for a few minutes with my chin to my knees, and then he walked me to the bathroom again.
I could feel myself bleeding. It wasn't stopping.
Soaked pad, more clots but bigger this time. He called my parents and my dad came over since it was about bedtime by then, to be with the kids.
On our way to the ER I told Robert, I just didn't want to pass out in front of the kids and freak them out (if you know me you know I am not one to run to the medical Dr unless I feel it is absolutely, and I mean absolutely, necessary) and in this case, it was absolutely necessary.
I got into triage right away and he got me a wheelchair and took me straight to a bed so I wouldn't have to go back to the waiting room. I was laying in the bed in the ER, with Robert by my side, behind a curtain. The pain would come in waves. It was like those horrible afterbirth pains. It hurts!
My ears started ringing and the nurse walked in to give me an IV. She asked if my ears usually ring and I told her “only when I'm about to pass out". Then I threw up. Now, I don't typically throw up when I'm dizzy or nauseous so that was different.
My blood had saturated the bed.
Nurses are amazing! She cleaned me up with such respect and care as I was pretty helpless at that time.
The ultrasound tech came and took me in my bed to the room to do the scans as my nurse requested for me. Once I was back, the ER doctor came back and told me the OB would be coming down to examine me.
The OB did an internal exam (which felt awful!) and then grabbed an ultrasound machine to see where the sack was. It was still in my uterus and all the bleeding and clots had not flushed it out yet. The D&C was recommended and she explained the whole procedure as well as how long it would take to get the team ready for it (about an hour). She went over a few other options, we could have waited to see if my body would release the sack but I had already been bleeding heavily for 5-6 hours and had lost a significant amount of blood.
Now a D&C is a procedure where you are put under general anesthesia, they use a vacuum and a scraper to clean everything out of your uterus. T procedure takes about 10 minutes but in total it's going to be more like 40 minutes. I also was told that heavy bleeding should only be a couple hours. I've come to the conclusion that I am stubborn through and through and my body decided 2 hours just wasn't enough.
Back to what I had told Robert before we left the house, “I don't want a D&C, but I would rather have that than a blood transfusion." This is exactly what went through my head.
So I agreed to the procedure and I felt total peace about it.
I actually felt this amazing peace the whole time I was in the ER. I could feel the Lord holding me and the people He brought to take care of me were such a gift.
The anesthesiologist had such a warm presence and took time to listen to me and when I looked over at the nurse she had these warm eyes that made me feel like I was being hugged.
There are other things that happened like how the anesthesiologist had to re-do my IV or how the nurse down in the ER had responded positively when I said I had thrown up (hindsight, it worked out because of needing to be put under for the D&C). How I needed to stay after my D&C for observation due to my hemoglobin being low and almost needing a blood transfusion. And the Zofran in my IV burning like crazy.
Looking back I see how the hand of God was in it all. I thought of how I've been out on the sidewalks with the Love Life group calling out to mamas in front of Planned Parenthood telling them that “God has an amazing plan for you and for your baby" and “He does not and can not make mistakes." That “He loves you with a love that is incomprehensible." That “He is the One who turns ashes into beauty and is the only One who can turn our sorrow into joy."
I thought of the abortion pill that is handed out daily to so many women and how it can cause the same complications that I experienced with my miscarriage. Hospital documentation says, “incomplete abortion". I could have bled out at home. Thinking that the heavy bleeding was “normal”. And that unfortunately, does happen. How awful to feel so helpless and alone.
I could barely get out of bed for 5 days after getting home. I was dizzy even when I was lying down and my heart would race walking less than 10 steps to the bathroom.
I have amazing family and friends who not only took care of me and prayed for me but also brought meals to my family. I can't imagine going through that alone. My amazing friend and chiropractor Dr Cece did an adjustment for me that helped with the vertigo that I was experiencing. It seriously made a huge difference in my recovery!
The mourning comes in waves and a friend told me to make sure to give myself time and space to allow myself to mourn as that is what is healing. But seriously, I am tired of crying…
Every month I have a period, the wave of sorrow is overwhelming… But I just sit in it. And, I think that’s ok.
If you are hurting, I am here for you. I would love to pray for you!
Seriously, send me an email, give me a call. Because even when we are physically better, the emotional trauma and grief is still there and I want you to know, you are loved and you’re not alone.
Blessings,
Birth Photographer, Doula & Mentor